How to manage jealousy: reducing it, accepting it, and making it productive
The type of jealousy I’m most familiar with is covetousness: wanting what other people have. The big house in the country; those shoes; that car. A cleaner. A gardener. Diamonds and cruises and clothes, oh my… Do these things really matter? Not in the grand scheme of things. But I still want them.
Jealousy feels disempowering
I don’t like feeling jealous of other people. I don’t feel ashamed of it, but it’s not the sort of person I want to be.
There’s something very disempowering about jealousy: somebody else has what you want, and you don’t. It’s intrinsically about loss, a lack of something important, and it is easy to blame others for having more than you, or yourself for not having what you want.
Jealousy leads to negative thinking
It’s so easy to tell yourself you’re never going to have what you want, that maybe you don’t even deserve it, that everyone else has life so much easier than you…
However this is just negative thinking, which feels tied to the emotion of jealousy — but one has nothing to do with the other. They are separate. Emotions are not thoughts, as the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy model of emotions makes clear: thoughts create feelings, so surely we should focus on making kinder thoughts, and therefore making positive feelings?
Mindfulness: curing jealousy with gratitude
Envy is much like jealousy, but with the added element of wanting to take away or destroy the desired object so the other person doesn’t have it any more. Melanie Klein, a student of Freud and a significant theorist and psychoanalyst in her own right, wrote about envy as a ‘manifestation of primary destructiveness’. The opposite of this is the instinct for life, expressed through love and in particular gratitude.
This influences more modern thinking such as mindfulness techniques, which suggest the best cure for jealousy is gratitude for what we already have; there is some value in that, especially if you’re in the habit of thinking in a jealous way. I am grateful every day for a safe home and a loving partner. Mindfulness can help in a number of ways, including to ‘help in disengaging and observing rather than struggling with these thoughts’ (Dr. Leahy, Therapy Today, 2019).
Reducing jealousy through acknowledgment and transparency
Some time ago I was speaking to an old friend about her career, and realised I often felt jealous of her. After my ME diagnosis some years ago, I was unable to work; the career I had poured my energy, time, heart and soul into was no longer open to me because of my disability; and I was jealous of her job, for the sense of purpose, confidence, status and financial recompense it brings.
My jealousy only grew as time went on; I also felt more and more distant from her, not feeling able to speak about something important to me. I decided to tell her how I felt. I didn’t know how she would react, but I felt it was bothering me enough that it was worth the risk of upsetting her, or getting a negative response. We have been friends for many years, so I knew she was unlikely to respond badly — I expected embarrassment or awkwardness if anything.
Bringing it out into the open made me feel that I was in control of the emotion, not the other way around. The more you try to hide something, the more power it has over you. Being open and transparent can be difficult, but for me it beats the negative emotions that result from keeping something secret.
I was surprised when she responded by saying that she was honoured I had been honest with her, and that few friends of hers were that open. She told me about some of the difficulties she had experienced at work over the years, so I had a more realistic view of what her life was like, rather than just knowing the positive bits. I think it brought us closer together; and about 90% of my jealousy has gone — I’m OK with having the occasional jealous moment. I’m only human!
Accepting jealousy
As the above experience shows, reducing jealousy can make things a lot more comfortable for us. However, the idea that we always need to reduce jealousy implies it is inherently bad, and that is not true. Jealousy tells us others have something we want or need for ourselves, and if you can listen to that message and act on it, it can be a useful sign about how to live your life a little differently to be more fulfilling.
Making jealousy productive:
1) Identify your needs
It helps to think about what you want in more general terms. For example, while I want to go on a round-the-world cruise, what I really want is a holiday where I don’t have to cook. I want to have fun and exciting experiences; see different cultures; hear different languages; taste different foods. Obviously there are a lot of more affordable holidays which I could go on which would tick these boxes, which would reduce my jealousy of people going on cruises: maybe I’d still feel a bit jealous, but a lot less so.
Sometimes I feel jealous of other people’s jewellery or clothes. If it is a strong feeling, it’s usually because I haven’t had any fun in a while; I’ve been wearing the same wardrobe for a long time; or I want to feel like life has some luxuries, fun and frivolity in it rather than just basic necessities.
2) Positive thinking
The feeling of jealousy can trigger a whole range of thoughts: I suggest we focus on positive ones, to increase a sense of personal empowerment and self-esteem. Try telling yourself something different:
I do deserve this.
I will have this for myself one day!
If other people have managed to get it, maybe I can too.
3) Plans of action
Think about what kind of plans or steps would help you achieve what you want. Make a list of goals, with realistic timeframes. Tell someone you trust what you want and why; acknowledging your jealousy will help to keep it manageable, and you can ask for support while you work to achieve what you want.
Grieving for what we cannot have
Occasionally we simply cannot get what we want at all, and then we require a grieving process — even if you have never had what you want, you can still mourn its lack in your life, which will hopefully allow you to move on without it. The fantasy of what we want can be very strong sometimes, and in that case we need to mourn for its loss in the same way we would if we lost something important in reality.
Jealousy can be a positive and empowering emotion, if you manage it in a positive and empowering way.
Just like all emotions, fighting our jealousy and telling ourselves we shouldn’t have it just creates more negative emotion: anxiety, anger, disappointment, guilt... But if we engage with our jealousy in a kind, accepting and understanding way, we’re likely to feel better about it; and we may just end up getting something positive out of it too.
