How to manage guilt: learn its purpose, and let it go
Like all emotions, guilt has a purpose: and it’s not to make us feel bad. The real meaning of guilt is to make you realise you have done harm, so you can make reparation. It’s a call to action!
Punishing yourself doesn’t help anyone
I can feel guilty about eating too many biscuits; not feeling 100% happy; not giving money to beggars; being lazy; not being nice enough to others; making mistakes; being angry; not paying someone back their £20 when I was a teenager twenty years ago…
It’s easy to get stuck thinking about things we feel guilty about, and criticise ourselves more and more; but remember that self-criticism should be constructive, not abusive. Calling yourself names isn’t productive. Making yourself suffer isn’t useful. Telling yourself what an awful person you are doesn’t make the world a better place — but there are lots of things you can do that will make it better.
How to make reparations
When you feel guilty about something in particular, then you can do something useful about it. When you snap at someone, stay silent and don’t stand up for someone getting bullied, don’t do your job properly because you can’t be bothered today, those are things that matter and can be resolved. Apologise to the person you snapped at; assert yourself on your own or someone else’s behalf; go back and fill in that tax form properly, even though it’s boring, and then reward yourself for a job well done.
When it’s not possible to make reparation
Sometimes it’s not possible to say sorry. Perhaps the person we hurt is gone, or doesn’t want to hear from us; maybe what we did was so long ago we don’t even know where to start. That can feel like we are permanently stuck, unable to move on or make anything better, but I would say you can still do some of the following:
Action list for guilt
- Identify specifically what you are feeling guilty about. Sometimes people feel generally guilty, as if they are a not good enough parent/friend/person, but this is just unhelpful negative thinking. Be as specific as possible about what you feel guilty about. Name the date, time, place and action (or inaction) in your mind.
- Acknowledge whether it was a genuine mistake; out of your control; or something you did out of malice or ignorance. If it was a genuine mistake, remind yourself mistakes are an inherent part of life, and literally everyone makes them. We actually need to make mistakes in order to learn — without them, we would never mature or develop compassion for others who are still learning too. If it was out of your control, why are you torturing yourself? Are you going to feel guilty for the tides and earthquakes as well? Give yourself a break — you’re not God! If you did something out of malice, acknowledge why you did it. Did you feel hurt? Were you lashing out? How can you behave better next time? Think of someone you admire and how they might deal with it differently.
- Take responsibility. Do something to remedy the harm you’ve caused; apologise; teach someone else how to avoid your mistake. This is very different to blaming, which tends to involve shaming or saying someone is bad, neither of which improve matters.
- Forgive yourself. This takes practice. In what circumstances would you forgive someone else for something similar? Ultimately, you need to be able to say ‘I’m a good person, I will not do this again, and now I’m allowed to move on.’ You have learned what you can from what your guilt is telling you, and now there is no reason for it any more. You can let it go. I expect you’re quite willing to forgive other people — treat yourself with the same respect and acceptance you do them.
- Learn how you can do better next time. What have you learned from this experience? How would you deal with this situation in the future? Make a plan for an alternative course of action so you’ll know what to do if this issue ever comes up again.
Make guilt work for you
Let’s see guilt for what it is — controllable, useful, finite, and meaningful. When you’ve got the most out of it you can, let it go. You don’t need it any more.
